Monday, 3 March 2014

18 years on

Well I cant believe it, but its now been 18 years since I lost my Mum to the big C.
I know I don't usually do posts that deal with deep emotions, and I am not sure if I am comfortable with it, but I thought I would dip my toe in. 
Grief is a hard thing to describe to any one that is lucky enough not to have experienced it. So I thought I would try and put it into words.
  • Time does heal but it doesn't cure, you will all ways have a part of you that is missing. An ache.
  • You feel jealous, you see adults with their mothers and you feel jealous, that that was taken away from you before you had the chance to appreciate the gift that it is.
  • People not appreciating their parents is not dealt with well.................
  • It can sneak up on you totally unexpected, books and films get totally vetted, but references still sneak in, or appear in the adverts and with out warning you feel a wave of grief swamp over you (thought those tend to be very short lived).
  • Certain dates are painful, and you need to plan round them, protect your self from your self almost.
  • But some times you can swan through Big Days, Anniversaries, Christmas etc, and other times you cant, not logic, no rhyme or reason. 
I view my grief for my Mother (died when I was 21) and my Father (died when I was 33) as files in a filing cabinet in my head, always with me, but filed right at the back. Ever so often they creep forward and have to be taken out and re-organised and then put back at the back.  A sort of M.O.T.

Most of all with my Mum, who was a bloody good artist, I miss the chance to get to know her as a Friend, two adults who could go an exhibition together and then for a glass of wine and a chat.  I wish I had that, I really really do

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